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Confrontation-phobia: Fear of Fixing Problems

February 23, 2012 By 8 Comments

Few things make grown men quiver more than thought of confrontation. Occasionally, there will be some guy who broadcasts, “I am not afraid of confrontation; I tackle it head on.” More often than not, this is the guy that does more damage than the proverbial bull in the China store.

For most of us, confrontation comes with a number of fears and is therefore avoided. We then begin the “Sumo Wrestler Dance.” Rather than handling the issue, we just circle issues and people at a distance. We keep our eye on the situation, but at a safe distance. Do you know the dance?

10 Reasons people avoid confrontation:

  1. Struggling with the same problem
  2. Possibility of losing friendships
  3. Memories of bad past confrontations
  4. Easier to make up for them
  5. Afraid it will come across as an attack
  6. Thinking it will not make a difference
  7. Lack of communication skills/don’t know how to confront
  8. Hopes the problem will solve it self
  9. “Knowing” how it will play out
  10. It will be taken personal/turn defensive

Experience tells us that these are poor confrontations are not only a possibility, but a probability.

Counter your confrontation fears for a moment:

  1. What difference does that make? There is still a problem.
  2. Is the current situation not already taxing your friendship?
  3. Is it best for the kid who falls off his bicycle to just take up crochet?
  4. Is it easier? How many teammates can you do this for?
  5. Is it an attack? Not if you focus on the behavior, rather than the person.
  6. Have you ever changed due to confrontation?
  7. Do you think you will develop skills by never using them?
  8. Do problems usually solve themselves?
  9. Can you really know? Does that even change your responsibility?
  10. If you are leading the conversation, can’t you refocus it?

Confrontation is a necessary part of life. We will be confronted and be given opportunities to help others grow through confrontation. The question is, what is holding you back?

Would a series on “how to confront” be helpful?

 

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  • Lynnae Lawson

    Yes, a series on how to confront would be beneficial. I was squeemish as I read this post. Confrontation is definitely a skill I need to work on. Your counters are both a rebuke and an encouragement. I would be the first to tell you that I have grown through confrontation (isn’t that salvation–God confronting my sin?). And you’re right, a problem rarely rights itself. PLEASE keep posting. I know I could use some instruction on how to confront others with Christlike love.

    • http://www.noahlomax.com/ Noah Lomax

      Lynnae,

      Thanks for the kind words. It’s not always easy to confront. But if done properly, both people grow. 

      Hopefully I will write part two this week!

  • http://www.lifeofasteward.com Loren Pinilis

    Sure, a series on confrontation might be a good thing.
    I would say that I’m good about confrontation in the middle of it. But I certainly shy away from it more than I probably should.

    • http://www.noahlomax.com/ Noah Lomax

      Thanks, I’ll work on it!

  • http://twitter.com/sarah_c_kurtz Sarah Kurtz

    Yes!! Your insight on confrontation would be helpful! I know that this is an area that I struggle with (along with many other people I’m sure!) Thanks friend! 

    • http://www.noahlomax.com/ Noah Lomax

      Thank you! 

  • Amy B.

    I would really like to hear more from your perspective on confrontation. It really is a necessary part of life. I know that most of my confrontation is with people in my age group, and I hate coming across as “thinking I am better than them” and the possibility of losing a friend. However, when my responsibilities outweigh the friendship, I could use some insight into how to be a more gracious confronter.
    Thanks for all of the helpful posts, Noah!

    • http://www.noahlomax.com/ Noah Lomax

      Thanks for commenting, Amy. Remember, confrontation and our responsibility to help others grow is not connected to age. Sometimes coaching up the chain is just as important as down or across.  If you care about the best for people and the best for your team, you will have to be willing to broach difficult topics.